Discipline—Can only Come From Anger, Control or Love

Disciplining a child can come from only 3 places; anger, control, or love.

If you have parented, grand-parented, babysat, or been a teacher or caretaker for a child, you know that feeling of utter exhaustion, overwhelm, and eventual meltdown that makes the textbook parent into someone they themselves don’t recognize…  screaming, saying unkind works, being too wrapped up in being “right”,  wanting to hurt the other, even those we love the most!  We have all been there either in our mind, or our reactions.

Here is some seasoned advice:

When your child is out-of-line, breaks and agreement, breaks a rule, taunts you, hurts you or someone else, first, PAUSE …….

—Feel your anger.  Own your anger.  Experience your anger.

—Feel your self-control.  Love your control

—PAUSE………………………………

—Wait until the anger and control morph into love.  Then the perfect consequence will likely come to you, and you won’t abuse your children, or turn into an out-of-control wild person.

By the way, an emergency includes life-threatening circumstances, 911 etc…

Everything else is not.  That means that you do not have to discipline or react immediately, or in the “passion of the moment”.

If you yell and s/he cowers, it is at best a win-lose situation.

If s/he yells back it is again a lose-win, and before long, everyone is in a lose-lose.

I remember one time a child of mine swore at me in rage.  I felt my anger, acknowledged my control and waited………PAUSED……… After a “stare down” of about a minute or two, I assessed my strategic options; scolding, yelling, threatening, swearing back, hitting, or saying “you will never, ever…blah, blah, blah…”

Children lose respect for, and learn to manipulate adults who behave this way.  Although they won’t admit it, it frightens them to see that they can make you act in an out-of-control way.

As all of that circled in my overheated head, I paused again……………and said, in a solemn, sincere, and poised voice, “Wow”! (long, pregnant pause).  “Wow”.  (longer. pregnant pause).  “That was so powerful, so surprising, and so alarming that it is going to take a few days to a week to process it and respond.  You will be hearing from me then.”

This is a win-win.  The child got to say his bad word.  You got to get him to think about it, and wonder about the consequence for a week.  When you follow through, everyone is a winner, and no one is abused. Disengaging from conflict in this way is a path of strength, the higher road, which allows for an end to the difficulties in the moment, with the promise for a well-formed outcome (later).

By the way, it works personally when using the same technique for disciplining yourself as well!  Acting out of love always trumps anger and control with whomever we encounter.