W.I.M.P? or, What is my part?

Here is some great advice for parenting teens.  You just had an argument with your son   or daughter, or even your father, mother, boss, colleague, teacher, friend, somebody-in-law.  In your mind, it is obvious that you are right, and they are wrong!  There is no question about it.  It is all their fault.  If it wasn’t for them there would not be a problem.  Ask anyone, it will be obvious that I am right.  I am waiting for an apology, this time it is clear, and I am not backing down.

Do you recognize this internal conversation? 

When parenting teens, it is almost never the total fault of one side.  Occasionally, you are 99.99% right and .01% wrong, but rarely 100%.  If you believe the magical thinking that you can be 100% right, you are living an illusion, and creating a win-lose mentality for yourself and those around you.  You are the winner, making the other person into the loser.  And that loser could very likely be dedicated to making you the loser next time, and be as unforgiving and unreasonable as you.  And then where are you?   You are in a perpetual, circular win-lose game with your teens where actually, no one wins.

When I finish my battle, and I know I am right, I always ask myself the hard question, “What is my part?” or WIMP? Once I have identified my contribution to the conflict or problem, and owned my part both to myself and to my sparring partner, I can learn and move forward.  This is such an important tool because as you parent your teens, they learn how to be in their world, with friends, at school, and with you!

My wife and I strive to be in harmony when we deal with parenting our teens, and not confuse them by disagreeing in front of them while the challenge is going on. I often ask later that night or the next morning, “Was there a better way I could have handled that?”  Whether we have a conversation with ourselves or with another person, the reflection is invaluable and leads to growth.  It’s contagious too, and provides a good model for everyone we encounter – in the home, school, or workplace. 

You will be amazed at how much WIMP? makes it easer to make amends, reach a point of resolution, and move on with a win-win, where both people, you and your teen emerge with positive feelings.  It also makes it easier to live with ourselves.

Learn the lesson, make the change, forgive yourself, love your humanness and move on.

Rick Concoff  c2012