30 is the new 10, or at best 20; Raising an adult child

I recently had lunch with my old buddy and his 35 year-old son.  As we were celebrating that “50” is the “new 60”, and “50” is the “new 40”, he chimed in, yeah and “30 is the new 10”.  We all laughed at that comment!

There are many, many young adults between the ages of 18-35 who have successfully moved into adulthood. (How To Be and Adult) and my blog 18 steps to becoming an adult.  

If your grown child falls into the category of being a true adult, is self-supporting and self-empowered, then kudos to you for your contribution as a parents, and kudos to them for stepping up and showing up.  This article may not apply to them or you.

However, if you are in the growing group of parents with kids who won’t grow up, you could benefit from this information.  It was a dream come-true; your youngest of three went off to college five years ago. Even though you were well into your fifties, you were long overdue for a break. This youngest child was a latecomer, the others are in their early and mid-thirties, married well and in each case lucratively employed.  They each own a house and have a child, aka, your grandchildren.  The older two both received substantial merit scholarships, and what little loans they and you took have been long paid off.

Unlike the older two, the youngest did not have the best of grades, and you were just above the line in receiving substantial financial aid.  The five years of college, due to a midstream change in major from literature to art left you and your son with 6 digit loans to pay back.

Your son returned home, and with help from you, secured a shared room in a three bedroom house near the junior college.  Quickly exhausting your seed money and a small savings from college work, your son is in trouble.  The part-time Starbucks barista job he has landed at 23 pays decently, but not enough to cover car, insurance, job, rent food etc.  After several months of you priming the pump your son finds himself in an awkward position, as it turns out his room-mates are party animals till all hours of the night, eat his food and are heavy drinkers and pot-smokers.  He needs to get out.

Fearing for his wellbeing, you offer him his old room which has long since become a guest-room/study.  This is just until he gets “back on his feet”.  In the interim he decides to go back to school at the local Junior college and cut back further on work which he can afford since now he has not rent, utilities or other expenses.  He spends a good deal of time on the computer gaming, surfing and “job-hunting”.    He keeps late hours and sleeps late, choosing afternoon classes.

You are now in your sixties, raising an “adult child”.  The circumstances,  economic climate, the power relationship and the developmental considerations are different.  Adult children are finding themselves without jobs and means of self-support at an alarming rate.  They are “coming home” but not in the way we imagined they would be coming.

To understand what is needed in order to functionally and responsibly manage this new kind of relationship, go to  “ Tips  for Managing your relationship with an “adult child” who has moved back home”

Rick Concoff c2013