Choosing the Role of Step-Parent Part II

Put boundaries around your financial contributions.

Some couples just throw it all together and some keep it separate and well–defined.  At least in California, the courts do not consider a step-parent’s income as part of the biological parent’s income.  Keeping separate accounts, and having clarity of the step-parent’s contribution to the costs of the house, food etc. allows for the step-parent to gift the family as able, and prevents conflicts about money, expenses, or who is paying for what.  It is good for a step-parent to feel that financial contributions are voluntary rather than obligatory.

Be mindful, respectful and sensitive to physical and emotional boundaries of step-children.  They are not the same as your biological children.  The attachments differ significantly depending on the age the children were when you entered their lives.  Infants and toddlers will tend to have more natural attachment, as well as younger children (under 10).  The attachment looks much different for a pre-teen, teen or young adult.  It can be appropriate to initiate gestures of affection and concern.  Be careful to wait for clear and healthy cues for physical and emotional interactions.  An affectionate comment or respectful hug at the right time can be powerful and bonding.  Just as you would with your own child, never hit, push, shove or speak abusive words to a step-child of any age.

Have little or no expectations for gratitude, reciprocity or even acknowledgement or appreciation.  That will come if and when it is meant to come Parmahansa Yogananda (the founder of Self Realization Fellowship)  suggested that a gift is only a gift, if it comes without any expectation of anything whatsoever in return, even gratitude. That is the highest form of giving, and one that is highly appropriate and realistic for a step-parent.  Be a “door-opener”, and never a door-mat.  Do consider your contributions as a gift to the young person.  View any return gesture as an unexpected dessert.  Your reward must be the quiet realization of the value of the gifts you have given unconditionally to this special child.

Most important, if step-parenting was like baseball and you had a manager or a coach in the mix, you are not it! You are at most an assistant manager or an assistant coach.  Therefore, barring abusive or violent actions, it is best never to call down the manager or coach (aka Parent) in front of the child.  Save all reflections and feedback for later. (see instructive criticism article)

Finally, as you participate in the ups and downs, joys and sorrows, achievements and losses of your step-child, while you tread lightly and mindfully in your incursions and actions, you can glow inside with pride, joy, fulfillment and self-congratulations at your contribution, and manifest it to the child in love, appropriate praise, and joy.

The Step-Parent’s Manifesto

You have to earn every iota of respect you receive.  Nothing is a given or to be taken for granted.  At any moment, the child has the possibility of reminding you that you have no rights, titles, or interest.  It’s kind of like being a silent partner.

You care for the child, treat him to things, give them a part of your blood, sweat and tears, and, when push comes to shove, you are “just a step-parent”.

You knowingly and willingly chose the role, the responsibility, the connection and the task.  You are participating in raising someone else’s child.

So, here is a manifesto to incorporate into your approach, so that you don’t get hurt in the process.

• You give what you give freely and without expectation of anything whatsoever in return.
• You leave your personal feelings outside of the work at hand.
• Don’t try to fix, repair or mend what appears to be broken.
• Know that the child will instinctively put his “real” parent first.
• Don’t care too much.
• Make sure your love is solid without love in return.
• Know when to step back and throw in the towel.
• Do not speak or act out of anger.
• Do not easily trust.
• Watch your back.

Remember that the relationship is impermanent. Do not become attached, because you can lose it at any time.