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Who is the Problem?
People cannot be problems; problems are problems. If, in our dealings with our children, we slip into a place where, whether or not we intend it, our child feels like we think they “are the problem”, defenses will go up, and willingness to deal with the issues will go down. We behave similarly when our children treat us as if “we are the problem”. So how can we identify the real problem, and move it towards the middle? Here are some examples: Danny is inattentive and sometimes disruptive in class. The teacher thinks the student is the “problem”. Danny thinks the teacher is the “problem”. The parents think the teacher and the student are the “problem”. The teacher suspects that the parents are the “problem”. Sarah is generally negative and unresponsive and unusually contrary. You’ve … Read entire article »
Filed under: parenting advice, parenting teens, parenting tips
Collateral, Currency and Consequences Part 2
Definitions and Solutions Collateral Something that is in place that can be withheld or taken away if agreements are not kept. (Have relatives give you the money to be trustee of when they give money to your child, you can give it out as deserved or use it to fix broken windows, negligently or maliciously damaged property, late fines at libraries and video stores, etc.…) Collateral accounts can be in the bank collecting interest for college or put aside for that special camp or trip your child wants to go to. Currency That material or non-material thing that motivates your child towards good citizenship and behavior. These can be money, treats, trips, excursions and material rewards. For others it can be praise, redemption, forgiveness, playing table games, outings, “parent-child” days, time on computer, cell … Read entire article »
Filed under: parenting advice, parenting teens, parenting tips
Collateral, Currency and Clout Part 1
Child- Healthy Substitutes for Punishment, Shame, Blame, Arguing, Yelling, or Hurting We love our children, and always will, no matter how much they frustrate, upset, disappoint or anger us. From the day they are born, it is their job to push away from us on a journey to become independent, “big” and in love with freedom. The deep love we have for our children is our joy and our nemesis. So often, people can see from the outside that our kids are “working us” and clearly in the drivers seat. We may see it but fall prey to its power, or the desire for avoidance of conflict. And, so often we see it clearly in the dynamic between other children and their parents. Why is it so hard for us to … Read entire article »
Filed under: parenting advice, parenting tips
When Someone Dies
I just came home from the funeral of a parent of former students of mine – a friend, and a member of my community. As I arrived at the synagogue at 1:30 pm on a Friday afternoon, I found a full parking lot and the sanctuary to capacity. We all dropped what we had planned to be there to remember Barbara and support her family. Young adults should not have to bury a parent so early in life, and a mother should not have to bury her daughter. On the way, I had called my brother in LA and left him a message, “Hey Bill, we should get together, go to a game, catch up. How about we spend some time together soon?” We are both busy, doing similar work in the … Read entire article »
Filed under: Relationships
How much is your honor worth?
Whether you are parenting teens or thinking about your own habits, here is great test for your value system. Before doing something that has a feeling of dishonesty, or when trying to decide if something is right or wrong, ask yourself, “How much is my honor worth?” Here are examples of situations you might question: You keep the change when you give someone a $10 and get change back for a $20. Whoops, you get to the car with your bags of merchandise and notice a bag of M&M’s they forgot to charge you for. You figure what the heck and don’t go back in. You back into a pole in your own driveway and no one sees. You tell the insurance company it was a hit and run and collect the damages. You take a … Read entire article »
Filed under: parenting advice
An Open Letter to Fathers and Men about Daughters and Emerging Young Women
Dear Dads (and other Male Role Models), Our impact on our daughters, nieces, stepdaughters, and granddaughters is immense. They love us, look up to us, and even revere us. Sometimes they dislike us, resent us, are disappointed in us and wish we didn’t care so much. When we listen to them, understand them, advise them, and forgive them they appreciate and feel it deeply. When we manifest our “papa bear” desire to protect them from all mistakes and perils with anger, manipulation, and fear we alienate them and even sometimes push them to risky activity. When we manifest it in a loving, compassionate and mindful way, they will hear us. They need to make mistakes to grow, and their mistakes touch our heart in the deepest way. We work to separate sensible … Read entire article »
Filed under: parenting advice, parenting teens, parenting tips
Your Child’s Music Life
How can music live in a child’s life? How do children develop their musical taste? How do you choose the right instrument is for your child? What is an appropriate time to start lessons and how do we ensure it is a positive experience? These are all common questions we as parents have about how best to support and include music in our children’s lives. Music is a universal language, and it is rare to find anyone who just plain does not like music. Musical taste is subjective, and can vary with temperament, personality, mood and many other mysterious factors. Music has played an essential part in the developmental life of human beings since Primal times. As a violinist, music teacher, parenting educator, parent and grandparent, much of my … Read entire article »
Filed under: children's music studies, parenting advice, parenting tips
Some of the best advice I ever got “Feel your Feelings”
So much of what I bring here has come from and through others in my life. Mentors, advisors, teachers, family members, friends and yes, even “teachers” I wish I hadn’t had at all. It was fall, three years ago, the beginning of my self-given sabbatical year. I had everything: love, health, income, friends and a new professional path. Yet, I was sad, down, full of melancholy, and a bit lost, as if something was missing. “I shouldn’t be feeling this way…” I shared with a dear friend. “I should be happy”, I added. My friend explained to me the challenge with the statements I had just made. At the moment I make the statement, “I should” or “I shouldn’t”, I create a wall which stops the feeling abruptly, and buries it. … Read entire article »
Filed under: Relationships
Perfectionism—An issue for all ages–or 80/20!
I was one of those kids who would be upset that an A- was not an A or A+. I feel frustrated and annoyed at a 780 credit score, balking at the things that I “got marked down for”. (780 is a very high score, sufficient for any loan) I used to get up each morning with the intention of having a “perfect day”, of never saying “the wrong thing”, showing up on time, and doing it all right. When I got home, I asked myself the question “Was I the best and did I do the best I could do today in all situations? How close to perfect was I?” The answer was usually no, as I poured over the few things that I “messed up’ during the day, thus … Read entire article »
Filed under: parenting tips, self confidence